God bless the Internet. Where else can you assume a fake identity, pose the most idiotic question imaginable, then sit back and watch the answers pour in?

Crowd-sourced advice sites like Yahoo Answers have become a bit of a magnet for the maladjusted. Sure, there are plenty of average Joes just looking for ordinary information. But among the sites’ many mundane queries, there’s a sea of jaw-droppingly dumb discussions guaranteed to amaze and entertain.

I spent some time surfing through Yahoo Answers to find the worst of the worst. The spelling, grammar, and punctuation haven’t been changed — hey, there’s no one innocent here to protect.

So let me ask you this: Are you ready to laugh?

1. Backwards Thinking

“I sold my only car to help pay for gas money, but now gas has come down in price. How do I get my car back?”

I tried to contact this guy, but he also sold his computer to help pay for his Internet connection.

2. Sexual Confusion

“What does the Bible say about husbands and wives having homosexual relations with each other?”

Err, I hate to get into linguistics here, pal — but go look up the meaning of “homo,” then get back to us.

3. Credit Crunch

“I wanted to see if my computer would read my credit card so i put it in the cd rom and it got stuck, how do i get it out?? I tryed toothpics but lost them in the process?? also the drive is making noises”

Oh, that’s normal; it requires a payment of $1 to get the card back out. Just fold up a bill into a tiny square and insert it into any USB port.

4. Mousin’ Around

“My mouse stop working every time i lift it up from the table why is this? this is not just OS .i have linux and vista both same thing so its not drivers”

Yeah, no big deal there, either: Insert your credit card into the CD-ROM drive and tell the computer you need the Air Mouse 3000 upgrade. You’ll be good in no time.

5. Technical Difficulties

“I’ve been asked to write an application in my own handwriting….? is there a computer programme that will do this for me? they also want original ideas. do you know any?”

And they say we haven’t become overly dependent on technology.

6. It’s All in the Details

“I have an assignment about computer.. What is unimportant details about computer?”

Wait a minute — does this assignment also require original ideas?

7. Unknown Nuptials

“Am i married in any state? have i been divorced?”

I’ll take “questions asked after a night in Vegas” for $500, Alex.

8. A Sticky Subject

“Where can i buy a really big jar of peanut butter?”

If this is from the same guy who asked the last one, I’m getting concerned.

9. Fruit Frets

“I have ate two whole tangerines in about two hours what will happen to me?”

WHAT?! Two tangerines, in two hours? Stop right there, buddy, ’cause once you hit three, there’s no going back.

10. Fat Chance

“How do i become obese fast? I want to look good by the end of the year.”

You can start by eating two tangerines in two hours. Then run around in circles until you figure out what “obese” actually means.

11. Cantaloupe Hunting

“I thought cantelope was an animal!? i always thought that a cantaloupe was that animal that has the horns and they live in Arizona and stuff, but i was shopping for groceries yesterday and i saw they had cantaloupe meat on sale. so i was like yeah sure i’ll try it, but what i saw, wasn’t a cantaloupe. it was some white and green fruit thing! whats up with this?”

The store must have made a mistake; cantaloupe meat is indeed a delicacy. I recommend it served rare with a side of prime honeydew.

12. Hey, Babby

“How is babby formed????? how girl get pragnent?”

For the sake of the world, let’s hope you never figure it out.

13. An Academic Inquiry

“Why are there school? is a point to it?”

There are school so you can learn how babby is formed, silly.

14. It’s Caps Lock — Capisce?


Note to self: Register howtoturnoffcapslock.com; make millions.

15. Lost in Space

“What is the best place to ask questions online? i mean, or there any QA forums like on yahoo or anything?”

Hmm…a forum-like place to ask questions on Yahoo. Haven’t heard of anything like that. If you find something, do let us know.

16. Canine Law

“Is it illegal to name a dog after a movie?”

Only if that movie is Air Bud 2.

17. Ignorance Is Bliss

“I’m concerned that my son has a secret girlfriend? My 17 year old son has been very secretive with me lately, recently he has started to refuse to go to church with the family and tonight when I was going through his room I found a magazine with naked men in it. He obviously has a girlfriend that he is hiding from me that brought that magazine into my home and I am afraid they are having intercourse and I am greatly concerned that he is going to get her pregnant. What should I do about this?”

I’m no doctor, but I have a sneaking suspicion you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your son getting girls pregnant.

18. Even More Oblivious

“I caught my son having sex with a guy and I think he might be gay. Is there a definitive way I can tell?”

Not really — after all, the man-on-man action might have just been a ruse to distract you from his secret girlfriend.

19. Mathematical Matters

“Is there any possible way of making 2+2=5?”

Sure. It’s called LSD.

20. Sandwich Sensations

“Is it possible to feel like a sandwich?”

Sure. It’s called LSD.

21. About Those Drugs…

“How do you ask a question on yahoo answers?”

Hey, don’t ask me. I’m still trying to figure out how to read questions on there. Anyone? Anyone?

22. Spelling 101

“How do you spell government?”

The head-scratchers just keep on coming.

23. Turtle Trouble

“I was bitten by a turtle when i was a young lad, can i still drink orange juice?”

Seriously — where do these people come up with this stuff?

24. Ouch!

“Is it safe to have my nipples surgically removed? i don’t like the way my nipples look on me.”

Let’s turn to another Yahoo Answers user for an equally interesting response:

“Do not under any circumstances remove your nipples you will end up drowning.Males have nipples to tell how far they can go out in the surf and remain safe.If you remove them you will go out too far and end up drowning.”

25. Drink with Me

“I just drank a tall cold glass of lemonade and it made me MORE thirsty, am I pregnint?”

Yes, most likely.

26. And Finally…

“Why does the screen say ‘www.Bangbros.com’ after my son leaves even though he is only doing homework? Every night during the school year my son tells me he’s doing homework on the family computer. Once in awhile I come down review his work, but the screen comes up www.Bangbros.com and it’s a girl. Is this a homework site or something?”

I’ll just say this: Your son is studying something…and multiplication may or may not be involved.