I am a genius. I’m charismatic, kind, and understanding. I’m also a Disney princess named Aurora and the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe.

I’m not crazy (at least, not completely). I’ve just been taking a lot of online quizzes lately — you know, the ones all over the Web promising to reveal your IQ, personality traits, or celebrity resemblances. Aside from discovering my inner Sleeping Beauty, I’ve also learned something important: These quizzes are about far more than providing us with enlightening information.

The Real Deal

Here’s the truth: While Web quizzes may be entertaining, they’re also a powerful tool for companies to collect your data and even your money — and often in ways you might not notice. We’ll get to the spooky stuff in a moment, but let’s start with the simplest method of quiz-based marketing: advertising. The very nature of a typical online quiz requires you to divulge all sorts of details about yourself. Those tidbits of info are like bits of gold for advertisers craving a way to connect with you.

“The big trend is about engagement,” says Debra Aho Williamson, a senior analyst with eMarketer. “These quizzes are getting people to pay attention to ads.”

Paying attention, it seems, is almost a requirement: Aside from being carefully targeted at your interests, the ads within online quizzes are frequently in-your-face and impossible to avoid. Take, for example, TheFreeIQTest.com, a quiz I found via a text ad on Google. By the time I clicked through the 105th “offer” it threw in front of my results — no exaggeration — I gave up.

“There’s a clear annoyance factor, leading people to one thing, then at the last minute bait-and-switching them,” Williamson says. “The challenge with this type of advertising is walking that line between people wanting it and people wanting it to go away.”

The ads can follow you long after you click away, too. Just look at RealAge, a detailed quiz that assigns you a “biological age” based on your family history and health habits. The site, a recent investigation revealed, takes your most sensitive answers — those about sexual difficulties, say, or signs of depression — and, if you opt in, can send you e-mail messages about your conditions. Those messages, in some cases, are sponsored by drug companies looking to market medications for your conditions.

Bigger Issues

Forced advertising, unfortunately, is only the tip of the iceberg. Some online quizzes will surprise you with required payments or purchases before you can access your results. While the requirement may be in the fine print somewhere, it’s often not in a place you’d easily notice before beginning the process.

That’s exactly the scenario I found at Test-IQ.com, a quiz advertised on Facebook. The site’s home page makes no mention of a fee — you’d have to click onto the privacy policy and read to the bottom to discover the $7 charge. Other sites, such as IQ-Test-Results.com, slip in recurring monthly fees for registered users.

Then there are quizzes like CheckMyPersonality.com. That site goes as far as to periodically access your credit card once you’ve signed up. I discovered a line in the company’s privacy terms that gives it an ongoing right to “verify that your credit card account is valid and has credit available” by charging fees and later crediting them off. Worse, that line isn’t even in the terms linked on the home page — it’s in a secondary set buried deeper in the site.

CheckMyPersonality.com also authorizes its owners to dig up all kinds of dirt on you. The company states it may use “third-party service providers” to track down everything from your household income to your buying habits — then resell that data to marketing agencies.

“These are data-mining havens where users willingly opt-in from the very beginning,” says Ryan Jacobson, an attorney and cochair of the Entertainment Media and Privacy Law Group at SmithAmundsen in Chicago. “I’m afraid that the average user fails to recognize or take the time to understand what privacy rights he or she is actually giving up by responding.”

CheckMyPersonality.com, incidentally, didn’t respond to our requests for comment.

The Trust Factor

Ultimately, deciding whether you should take an online quiz comes down to a question of trust: Are you comfortable putting your information — personal or financial — into the owner’s hands? Remember, even if you don’t directly input data, it can be passed along. Such is the case with Facebook, where just opening an application automatically grants its developer access to your entire profile. And don’t assume he isn’t going to use it.

“The very intimate and detailed nature of the information featured on Facebook profiles makes such a database very valuable to marketers,” says Guillaume Lovet, a senior manager with security company Fortinet.

Finally, bear in mind that the quizzes’ results may not even mean much. In the case of online IQ tests, for instance, many of the exams are about as valid as my excuse for missing mah-jongg night at the clubhouse. (Sorry, Beatrice.)

“These things are simply not sophisticated,” says Dr. Martin Eaton, a licensed clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California. “Calling them intelligence tests would be a misnomer.”

The test that declared me a genius, I can only assume, was a rare exception.

By the time you read this story, the Internet may be obsolete.

Okay, maybe not — but hey, anything’s possible. With technology evolving as quickly as it does, no one really knows what’s around the corner. The one thing that’s certain is the circle of life: Every time a new high-tech creation is born, something else dies as a result. Sometimes, the loss is a good thing — who wants busy signals or staticky TV, after all? — but other times, it’s a bit more bittersweet.

We’ve compiled a list of 40 activities being driven to extinction. Some are already long gone; others are currently in danger of disappearing. So join us for a spirited send-off. Just get moving already, pal — the Internet might be added to the list any minute now.

1. Heading to the arcade to play games

    Status: on life support

Once a favorite activity of geeks worldwide, heading to the arcade to play games began fading into the background of our social fabric in the mid-90s. While a small number of arcades still exists, the days of gamers lining up to toss quarters into Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat are largely over. It’s not hard to understand why: The advent of advanced gaming systems allows you to experience the same action at home, minus the dungeon-like lighting and lingering smell of flop-sweat.

2. Running out of hard drive space

    Status: deceased

With terabyte-sized drives now going for less than $70, hard drives aren’t exactly hard to come by anymore. Remember when 80MB seemed like a crowning achievement?

3. Getting a busy signal

    Status: nearly deceased

Thanks to advances in voicemail and call-waiting technology, you just don’t hear that high-pitched “try again” tone too often these days. Unless, of course, you’re voting for American Idol or listening to Pink Floyd.

4. Going on a “blind” first date

    Status: deceased

Between Google and the slew of social networks out there, it’s not hard to get to know a person before ever interacting with them. Hell, you might even get to know them intimately. Paging Vanessa Hudgens…

5. Having to be 18 to get porn

    Status: deceased

It may sound crazy, but a fella once had to be 18 to get his hands on indecent materials — either that, or have an easily bribable older brother. Not that I know anything about such matters.

6. Chatting with the SysOp

    Status: deceased

The SysOp — short for system administrator — was a figure of power from the late 70s into the early 90s. As the creator and overlord of the local bulletin board system (“BBS”), the SysOp watched over users dialing into his pre-Internet electronic communication system. He chatted with visitors, kept the system running smoothly, and occasionally hit the disconnect button when someone stayed logged in too long.

7. Paying for long distance

     Status: nearly deceased

Once upon a time, people had to pay expensive per-minute fees for long distance. Then, the big bad cell phone came along and blew those charges into obscurity. The end.

8. Getting fuzzy TV reception

     Status: deceased

When America flipped the switch to an all-digital broadcasting system this summer, it also effectively sent the fuzzy “white snow” to the graveyard. So long, annoying static. We always loathed you.

9. Hearing the sound of a modem connecting

    Status: nearly deceased

How a single sound could be simultaneously grating and gratifying is a mystery man may never unlock. Jonesing for a fix? Try the 56K Modem Emulator.

10. Shakin’ it like a Polaroid picture

       Status: nearly deceased

Polaroid is planning to sell the last of its signature instant film at the end of this year. Thank God we have OutKast around to keep the memory alive.

11. Waiting to get photos developed

       Status: showing signs of illness

While film-based cameras aren’t completely gone, the instant satisfaction of the digital snapshot has certainly made them far less common. The image of Robin Williams in One Hour Photo, unfortunately, is not so easily erased.

12. Typing on a typewriter

       Status: nearly deceased

The clickity-clackity sound of QWERTY has quieted over the years. Unless, that is, you’re the New York City Police Department, which reportedly just signed a $1 million typewriter-purchasing contract.

13. Tearing the holes off your printer paper

       Status: nearly deceased

Born in the 70s, the dot matrix printer delivered low-quality printouts for nearly two full decades before inkjet technology offered a slightly less crappy alternative. The dot matrix printer will be remembered for its frequent paper jams, deafeningly loud part movement, and annoying tiny holes that had to be torn from the sides of its paper.

14. Having easy-to-remember TV channel numbers

       Status: nearly deceased

Fifty-seven channels and nothing on? More like 557 channels (and still nothing on). Try writing a catchy tune to that, Springsteen.

15. Checking your answering machine

       Status: showing signs of illness

“Hi, you’ve reached the answering machine. I’m still around, but lots of people are opting to use dial-in voicemail instead of me. What a bunch of little…BEEP!”

16. Having privacy

       Status: on life support

Between Google and all the GPS in our lives (social networking shoe, anyone?), privacy is becoming a rare commodity in the connected world. Speaking of which, that’s a nice shirt you’re wearing today.

17. Making someone a real mix tape

       Status: deceased

Web sites like Mixtape.com and Songza may try to fill the void, but the art of laboring over a custom-made mix tape — as romanticized by John Cusack’s character in High Fidelity — has pretty much become a practice of the past. It’s a damn shame, too, because those things made great gifts for dates (and by “great,” I mean “incredibly cheap and easy to assemble”).

18. Wearing a calculator watch

       Status: deceased

Affectionately dubbed “the nerd watch,” the calculator watch once served as a proudly worn badge of one’s amusement with mathematics. Now, we just have to rely on Star Trek knowledge to ascertain someone’s true geek quotient.

19. Hearing about phone sex

       Status: showing signs of illness

Those naughty 900 numbers may still exist, but cybersex and that always-scandalous sexting have stolen most of the spotlight from landline lovin’ these days. Lying about your appearance, after all, is far easier when you’re typing.

20. Using a public phone booth

       Status: on life support

With everyone having his own cell phone, public phone booths are getting tougher to track down. Translation: Superman is screwed.

21. Dialing on a rotary phone

       Status: nearly deceased

The ease of touchtone dialing has reduced the rotary phone to a novelty. Mimes, however, may never let the motion go.

22. Storing data on a floppy disk

       Status: nearly deceased

A disk with 1.44MB worth of storage? Shyeah, right. The once-standard protocol for storing and transferring data seems puny by today’s file size standards. (And don’t even get started with the 5.25-inch variety.) With few new PCs even being built with floppy disk drives anymore, the era of the A:\ prompt is dwindling. As for the Zip drive, Iomega may still be saying it sells ‘em — but is anyone buying it?

23. Booting up to a C:\ prompt

       Status: nearly deceased

C:\> cd\the_past

C:\the_past> echo DOS, we’ll always fondly remember seeing your blinking prompt upon boot-up. Rest in peace, dear friend.

DOS, we’ll always fondly remember seeing your blinking prompt upon boot-up. Rest in peace, dear friend.

C:\the_past> cls

24. Typing on an old-school word processor

       Status: deceased

Let’s face it: Doogie Howser wouldn’t have been nearly as endearing had he typed his nightly journal on Microsoft Office 2010. But boy, does that plain blue-and-white screen just scream out “1991.”

25. Having your mobile phone attached to your car

       Status: deceased

I remember those early mobile phones that were actually installed into your car. What I can’t remember, though, is what important-looking Bluetooth-always-on-the-ear guy did to make himself look like an ass back then.

26. Putting in a videotape to watch a movie

       Status: on life support

Dearly beloved, we gather here today to mourn the passing of VHS. Older brother to the also-deceased Betamax, VHS gave us hours of videotape-watching enjoyment — and just as many hours of trying to adjust the blasted tracking knob to get a steady picture.

27. Holding up a lighter at a concert

        Status: showing signs of illness

A power ballad without a sea of lighters is like Twitter without a sea of social media experts: Something about it just doesn’t feel right. Sure, holding up illuminated cell phones might be safer — but even if the phones have virtual lighter apps installed, it simply isn’t the same. Just ask Bret Michaels, if he ever stops making those damn VH1 reality shows.

28. Using a laser disc

       Status: deceased

I’m not positive anyone actually ever did this, but it’s definitely obsolete now.

29. Knowing that proper grammar is a requirement

       Status: on life support

all our txting and IMing has made proper grammar seem kinda outdated, dont u thnk? heres hoping capitalization & punctuation make a comeback in emails & other writing. the gr8 gatsby probly wuld hv been way less gr8 if it wuz written like this. lol

30. Getting a new car with a cigarette lighter

       Status: showing signs of illness

Built-in cigarette lighters are losing steam among car manufacturers. If you smoke E-Cigs, though, you’ll still be fine.

31. Flipping on an incandescent light bulb

       Status: on life support

More and more nations are saying so long to the incandescent light bulb, opting instead to encourage the use of more eco-friendly alternatives. Cartoon characters getting “bright ideas” have yet to adapt.

32. Sitting in front of a CRT monitor

       Status: on life support

I won’t miss staring at the blurry, hard-to-read screens of the CRT monitor. I will miss, however, the dramatic effect of seeing one of those bad boys thrown from a third story window. Flatscreens just can’t compete in that regard.

33. Playing music on a cassette

       Status: nearly deceased

You can try to rewind, but the life of the cassette is on its last legs. If anyone knows what to do with four boxes of late-80s and early-90s rock tapes, please advise.

34. Going to the local music store to check out CDs

       Status: on life support

Local music stores are becoming harder and harder to find. Here’s hoping the ones still around can manage to hang on — losing them would leave a cultural void that iTunes couldn’t quite fill.

35. Getting an AOL disk or CD in the mail

       Status: deceased

Ever wonder how many of those floppies and CDs AOL sent out over the years? You aren’t alone. But no one seems to know. The supply of AOL marketing material appeared endless up until the mailings finally stopped a few years back. People who devoted their time to collecting or shunning the discs haven’t figured out what to do with themselves since (nor have I figured out what I’m supposed to use for coasters now).

36. Looking up numbers in the phone book

       Status: showing signs of illness

Phone companies still hand them out, but the printed phone books have definitely seen better days. Between the Web and phone services such as GOOG-411, the flipping of actual pages seems antiquated to many tech-friendly families.

37. Using carbon copy paper

       Status: nearly deceased

With even low-end printers now able to scan, copy, and possibly make toast, you just don’t see old-fashioned carbon copy paper around too often. And I doubt anyone’s complaining.

38. Sending documents via fax

       Status: showing signs of illness

Why fax when you can attach? Especially with most documents now being created on computers, the facsimile may soon find itself on the endangered species list. Fear not, though, for PC Load Letter will always live on.

39. Rockin’ out with your boombox

       Status: nearly deceased

Your iPod may look cool, but can you balance it on your shoulder and blare your funky beats at obnoxiously high volumes? Didn’t think so. The boombox — also known as the jambox, ghetto blaster, or jerkface apparatus — peaked in popularity during the 80s, when big hair and bad dancing were somehow considered cool. While more modern editions may now be on the market, the heyday of the boombox, thankfully, is behind us.

40. Interacting socially while giving someone your undivided attention

       Status: showing signs of illness

Oh, come on — talking without simultaneously texting or tweeting is so 2008.

God bless the Internet. Where else can you assume a fake identity, pose the most idiotic question imaginable, then sit back and watch the answers pour in?

Crowd-sourced advice sites like Yahoo Answers have become a bit of a magnet for the maladjusted. Sure, there are plenty of average Joes just looking for ordinary information. But among the sites’ many mundane queries, there’s a sea of jaw-droppingly dumb discussions guaranteed to amaze and entertain.

I spent some time surfing through Yahoo Answers to find the worst of the worst. The spelling, grammar, and punctuation haven’t been changed — hey, there’s no one innocent here to protect.

So let me ask you this: Are you ready to laugh?

1. Backwards Thinking

“I sold my only car to help pay for gas money, but now gas has come down in price. How do I get my car back?”

I tried to contact this guy, but he also sold his computer to help pay for his Internet connection.

2. Sexual Confusion

“What does the Bible say about husbands and wives having homosexual relations with each other?”

Err, I hate to get into linguistics here, pal — but go look up the meaning of “homo,” then get back to us.

3. Credit Crunch

“I wanted to see if my computer would read my credit card so i put it in the cd rom and it got stuck, how do i get it out?? I tryed toothpics but lost them in the process?? also the drive is making noises”

Oh, that’s normal; it requires a payment of $1 to get the card back out. Just fold up a bill into a tiny square and insert it into any USB port.

4. Mousin’ Around

“My mouse stop working every time i lift it up from the table why is this? this is not just OS .i have linux and vista both same thing so its not drivers”

Yeah, no big deal there, either: Insert your credit card into the CD-ROM drive and tell the computer you need the Air Mouse 3000 upgrade. You’ll be good in no time.

5. Technical Difficulties

“I’ve been asked to write an application in my own handwriting….? is there a computer programme that will do this for me? they also want original ideas. do you know any?”

And they say we haven’t become overly dependent on technology.

6. It’s All in the Details

“I have an assignment about computer.. What is unimportant details about computer?”

Wait a minute — does this assignment also require original ideas?

7. Unknown Nuptials

“Am i married in any state? have i been divorced?”

I’ll take “questions asked after a night in Vegas” for $500, Alex.

8. A Sticky Subject

“Where can i buy a really big jar of peanut butter?”

If this is from the same guy who asked the last one, I’m getting concerned.

9. Fruit Frets

“I have ate two whole tangerines in about two hours what will happen to me?”

WHAT?! Two tangerines, in two hours? Stop right there, buddy, ’cause once you hit three, there’s no going back.

10. Fat Chance

“How do i become obese fast? I want to look good by the end of the year.”

You can start by eating two tangerines in two hours. Then run around in circles until you figure out what “obese” actually means.

11. Cantaloupe Hunting

“I thought cantelope was an animal!? i always thought that a cantaloupe was that animal that has the horns and they live in Arizona and stuff, but i was shopping for groceries yesterday and i saw they had cantaloupe meat on sale. so i was like yeah sure i’ll try it, but what i saw, wasn’t a cantaloupe. it was some white and green fruit thing! whats up with this?”

The store must have made a mistake; cantaloupe meat is indeed a delicacy. I recommend it served rare with a side of prime honeydew.

12. Hey, Babby

“How is babby formed????? how girl get pragnent?”

For the sake of the world, let’s hope you never figure it out.

13. An Academic Inquiry

“Why are there school? is a point to it?”

There are school so you can learn how babby is formed, silly.

14. It’s Caps Lock — Capisce?

“HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPSLOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF.”

Note to self: Register howtoturnoffcapslock.com; make millions.

15. Lost in Space

“What is the best place to ask questions online? i mean, or there any QA forums like on yahoo or anything?”

Hmm…a forum-like place to ask questions on Yahoo. Haven’t heard of anything like that. If you find something, do let us know.

16. Canine Law

“Is it illegal to name a dog after a movie?”

Only if that movie is Air Bud 2.

17. Ignorance Is Bliss

“I’m concerned that my son has a secret girlfriend? My 17 year old son has been very secretive with me lately, recently he has started to refuse to go to church with the family and tonight when I was going through his room I found a magazine with naked men in it. He obviously has a girlfriend that he is hiding from me that brought that magazine into my home and I am afraid they are having intercourse and I am greatly concerned that he is going to get her pregnant. What should I do about this?”

I’m no doctor, but I have a sneaking suspicion you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your son getting girls pregnant.

18. Even More Oblivious

“I caught my son having sex with a guy and I think he might be gay. Is there a definitive way I can tell?”

Not really — after all, the man-on-man action might have just been a ruse to distract you from his secret girlfriend.

19. Mathematical Matters

“Is there any possible way of making 2+2=5?”

Sure. It’s called LSD.

20. Sandwich Sensations

“Is it possible to feel like a sandwich?”

Sure. It’s called LSD.

21. About Those Drugs…

“How do you ask a question on yahoo answers?”

Hey, don’t ask me. I’m still trying to figure out how to read questions on there. Anyone? Anyone?

22. Spelling 101

“How do you spell government?”

The head-scratchers just keep on coming.

23. Turtle Trouble

“I was bitten by a turtle when i was a young lad, can i still drink orange juice?”

Seriously — where do these people come up with this stuff?

24. Ouch!

“Is it safe to have my nipples surgically removed? i don’t like the way my nipples look on me.”

Let’s turn to another Yahoo Answers user for an equally interesting response:

“Do not under any circumstances remove your nipples you will end up drowning.Males have nipples to tell how far they can go out in the surf and remain safe.If you remove them you will go out too far and end up drowning.”

25. Drink with Me

“I just drank a tall cold glass of lemonade and it made me MORE thirsty, am I pregnint?”

Yes, most likely.

26. And Finally…

“Why does the screen say ‘www.Bangbros.com’ after my son leaves even though he is only doing homework? Every night during the school year my son tells me he’s doing homework on the family computer. Once in awhile I come down review his work, but the screen comes up www.Bangbros.com and it’s a girl. Is this a homework site or something?”

I’ll just say this: Your son is studying something…and multiplication may or may not be involved.

The first time you use an Android phone, one thing becomes immediately clear: You’re not in Cupertino anymore.

Android, as recent Verizon commercials remind us, is the antithesis of Apple’s celebrated handset: It’s open source, fully customizable, and free from unexplained app rejections. If the iPhone is Apple’s inalterable masterpiece, the Android platform is Google’s open canvas. The palette is in your hands; it’s up to you to add color.

We’ve assembled 40 tips and tricks to help you make the most of your Android phone. Some are specific to Android 2.0 or later, but most apply to any Android-based device. And not one of these tricks requires you to jailbreak anything.

So grab your phone, and get started — it’s time for you to become a certified Android master.

Optimize Your Home Screen

1. Make the most of your space by using widgets — dynamic programs that operate right on your home screen. Simply hold your finger on any open space, and then select Widgets from the pop-up menu. Widgets come in a huge variety of sizes and functions, so search the Android Market to find what works for you.

2. Prefer not to be bothered by a sound every time an e-mail arrives? Head into Gmail’s Settings menu and set its ringtone to Silent. You’ll still see new-message alerts in the notification panel at the top of your screen, and you can always pull the panel down to get detailed information. You can configure text messaging and other alert-generating apps the same way.

3. Set up one-touch dialing for the people you call the most. Hold your finger on an open space and select Shortcuts. Then, touch Direct dial and pick the person from your contact list. If one-touch texting is what you crave, use the Direct message option instead.

4. To drop your favorite Web pages onto your home screen, long-press on any site in your browser’s bookmarks and then select the Add shortcut to home option.

5. Try using folders to keep your home screen organized. Long-press on a blank space and select Folders to create one. You can then drag and drop frequently used contacts, apps, or other shortcuts into it to cut down on clutter. To rename a folder, press and hold the folder’s title bar while it’s open.

Get Around Android

6. Make file management a snap with a utility such as Astro, which allows you to browse through your phone just as you would a computer, navigating directories and moving or deleting files at will.

7. Need to cut and paste text? Long-press on any text input area. If you’re on a Web page, tap the Menu key and use the Select text option.

8. Use Android’s hotkeys to do everything from zooming in to a Web page to opening a program. Check out our complete list of Android keyboard shortcuts to learn them all.

9. You can set your own hotkeys to open apps, too. Head into the main Settings menu, select Applications, and then choose Quick Launch to get started.

10. If the on-screen keyboard pops up when you don’t want it, touch it and swipe downward to make it disappear.

11. You can see the current date at any time by touching your finger to the top-left corner of the screen.

Stay Connected

12. To load files onto your Android phone, plug the handset into your PC and pull down the notification panel. Tap the USB connected box, and then tap Mount when the confirmation dialog box appears. Your phone will appear as a hard drive on your PC, and you can then drag and drop files as you wish.

13. Manage your music — and even import your iTunes playlists — with DoubleTwist, a free PC-based utility. The program’s intuitive interface makes Motorola’s Media Link offering look like a bloated relic.

14. Sync your Outlook calendar with your phone without the hassle. Install Google Calendar Sync and let it do the work for you.

15. To sync your Outlook contacts without using an Exchange server, try GO Contact Sync, an open-source utility for your PC.

16. Stay up to speed with your feeds with the help of NewsRob, a handy app that syncs your phone with your Google Reader account.

17. Want to have your PC’s browser bookmarks on your Android phone? Download MyBookmarks from the Market to import them.

Power Up Your Phone

18. Get extra calling power by integrating Google Voice into your phone. Once you’ve signed up for an account, download the official app and watch your options expand. Bonus tip: Add the Google Voice widget to your home screen for one-touch toggling of your outgoing-call preferences.

19. You can send text messages for free through Google Voice — everything you need is in the app. Just make sure you change the settings to refresh every 5 minutes so that incoming messages won’t be delayed. If you want faster notifications, log in to the Google Voice Website and configure your account to send you e-mail alerts when a new text arrives.

20. Get unbilled talk time by using Fring, a free mobile chat client for Android. Fring lets you make calls over Google Talk, Skype, and any SIP calling service.

21. Cut down on calling headaches by using the free Dial Zero app to call the companies you do business with. It lets you bypass annoying phone trees and get right to human representatives.

22. Keep annoying callers away by routing them directly to your voicemail. First, open the offending person’s profile in your contacts list. Then, press the Menu button, tap Options, and check the Incoming calls box.

23. The Incoming Calls screen also holds the option for setting custom ringtones for callers. Tap Ringtone and change each person’s tune as you wish.

24. Want to use your own MP3 files as ringtones? No problem: Make a new folder on your memory card and name it ringtones. Copy your MP3s there, and they will automatically show up in your selection list. Folders called alarms or notifications will do the same thing for those respective functions.

25. Check out the free app RingDroid. With it, you can easily edit an MP3 file to grab a precise segment of a song for a ringtone or system sound.

26. Android lets you keep multiple browser windows open at the same time. Long-press any Web link to open it in a new window. Tap the Menu key while in the browser to toggle between windows.

27. Prefer seeing Web pages in landscape mode? You can tell Android to always display sites that way. Select the Landscape-only display checkbox in the browser’s Settings menu.

28. Android’s built-in browser isn’t your only option. Try Dolphin Browser for cool features such as tabbed browsing, gesture-driven commands, and multitouch zooming (yes, even on the Droid).

Secure Your Smartphone

29. Android includes an option to use simple patterns to secure your phone; to unlock the handset, you swipe your finger across the screen in a specific pattern. Look for Screen Unlock Pattern under ‘Location and Security’ in the main System Settings menu.

30. Want to back up your phone’s data? Try MyBackup, which saves your apps, contacts, call logs, texts, and even settings to either your SD Card or a secure Internet server. You might also like SMS Backup, which periodically saves all of your texts into your Gmail account.

31. For even more protection, download Mobile Defense. The app allows you to use a PC to track your phone via GPS, remotely lock it, and then back up and wipe all of your data.

Add Essential Apps

32. If you handle a lot of Office files, Documents To Go may be just the thing for you. The free version gives you the ability to view Word and Excel files. The full paid version adds editing capabilities, along with PDF and PowerPoint viewing options.

33. Prefer working in the cloud? Get your hands on GDocs or ThinkFree Mobile Office, both of which make it a cinch to connect with your Google Docs documents.

34. If basic note-taking is all you need, download a PC-synced notepad such as GDocs Notepad. It saves documents directly into your Google Docs account for easy access.

35. For on-the-go photo editing, Adobe’s Photoshop.com Mobile app is tough to beat — and it’s free, too.

36. Jazz up your Android music experience with TuneWiki, which automatically finds and scrolls lyrics next to your songs as they play. Plus, it gives you access to Internet radio streaming and some cool community-sharing features.

Customize Your Phone Completely

37. Adjust how your phone acts by using Locale. The app lets you set custom profiles for practically any circumstance — having your ringer shift to silent when you’re at work, for example, or making your screen glow brighter at night.

38. Take full advantage of your phone’s LED by installing Missed Call, which configures your phone’s light to flash specific colors when calls from certain people slip by.

39. Edit Android’s custom dictionary to include your name and other proper nouns. That way, they’ll pop up in the auto-complete list as you type. Look under Language and keyboard settings in System Settings to get started.

40. If you try an Android app and decide that you don’t like it, return it. The Android Market will give you a full refund for up to 24 hours after any purchase, provided that you haven’t tried to return the same app before.

More Resources

Craving more Android info? Check out the following Android forums to connect with other owners.

• Android Central

• Android Community

• Android Forums

• Droid Forums

The Internet is full of filth. From “barely legal babes” to barely avoidable male enhancement spam, it seems there’s something risqué lurking around every corner. Yet, in an age where amateur action is more accessible than early American literature, some families are finding a surprising stance on obscenity: Their own names, they’re being told, are too vulgar for the Web.

What’s in a Name?

Before you think I’ve gone off the deep end, let me introduce you to an unassuming little town in North Lincolnshire, England. It’s a place known for being the steel producing capital of the United Kingdom — but that’s not what this town is most famous for. This town’s claim to fame lies within its name. Welcome to Scunthorpe.

The name Scunthorpe — and, to be clear, the syllables pronounced are “scun” and “thorpe” — is believed to be derived from the Scandinavian term “Escumetorp.” That translates roughly to “farmstead belonging to Skuma.” As you can imagine, though, the etymology isn’t what made the name notorious.

Scunthorpe first entered the American vernacular back in the Internet’s infancy, around 1996. That’s when, legend has it, AOL’s automated filtering system kept Scunthorpians from registering for accounts because of a certain four letters found within their town’s name. Even as recently as 2004, reports indicate services like Google’s SafeSearch were still flagging Web sites that contained the term.

All those episodes led to the christening of the “Scunthorpe Problem,” or the inadvertent blocking of a name because of a curse word living within its letters. It’s something residents of the South Yorkshire town Penistone know well, as do families living in England’s less blatantly blasphemous village of Lightwater. (Look carefully.)

So what’s in a name? A lot, it would seem, especially in the automated matrix of the Information Age. But the Scunthorpe Problem isn’t limited to geographic locations. Get ready to meet a retired radiologist who found his life shifting from X-rays to accusations of being X-rated.

Virtual Rejection

Herman Libshitz is used to getting, uh, crap about his name. The doctor, raised in Philadelphia and now living in Chestertown, Md., learned early on he’d have to defend his family’s honor.

“When you’re named Libshitz, you expect problems with your name,” he says. “Can you imagine what a drill sergeant did with Libshitz?”

Still, Libshitz’s foray into cyberspace proved more irksome than the typical teasing he’d experienced in his younger years. It started around 1998, when he and his wife bought a computer and tried to sign up for an AOL account.

“AOL told me my name was insulting and offensive,” he remembers. “They wouldn’t give me an e-mail address.”

Libshitz fought that battle, and he won. But that was only the beginning. Fast-forward to July of 2008. Libshitz and his wife decided to upgrade their home from dial-up to high-speed Internet access. They logged on to Verizon’s Web site — only to find, once again, their name wouldn’t be accepted.

“Verizon could use my name in the phonebook, they could use my name to bill me. Lord knows they cash my checks with my name on it,” Libshitz says. “But somehow as an e-mail address, it wasn’t good. That offended me. I told them it was fine when Uncle Sam wanted me to be in the military and I proudly served.”

Four phone calls and a rotating lineup of unseen supervisors proved insufficient to solve Libshitz’s issue. Finally, a reporter from the Philadelphia Inquirer was able to get through to someone on the doctor’s behalf and get his problem resolved.

“They condescended to let me use my own name as an email address. Wasn’t that gracious?” he says.

Dirty Words

What happened to Herman Libshitz isn’t entirely uncommon. There are more than 150 families with variations of the name listed in New York City alone, and it’s far from the only surname suffering from Scunthorpe’s syndrome. Just ask Craig Cockburn, a guy who’s resorted to replacing the “o” in his last name with a zero to get around filters. And it’s not just incidental profanity getting the kibosh, either. Some providers reportedly banned names containing the word “Allah” — take, for example, “Callahan” — until just a couple of years ago.

When it comes to getting answers, though, the major national companies seem largely reluctant to discuss their policies and what legitimately named families can do. I did a little digging and discovered someone named “Lipshitz” could create an account with Microsoft’s Hotmail or Yahoo Mail without any trouble. Try AOL Mail, Comcast, Gmail, or Verizon, though, and a Lipshitz will get turned away. (Mr. Cockburn, in a similar test, didn’t fare much better.)

Of those four nay-saying providers, only half were up-front in discussing their policies. Verizon’s spokesperson explained that “if the language is objectionable and obvious,” the network won’t “permit it to be used in an e-mail account address.” He did, however, say anyone with a valid name-based reason to use that language in an address could contact Verizon’s staff and request an exception.

AOL’s spokesperson said filters there do block certain “strings of words and particular terms,” including any phrases deemed to be “sexually explicit or vulgar.” She also emphasized that users with specific problems can make individual requests.

Comcast did not respond to our request for comment. When I went onto its Web site chat interface as a potential customer, however, and asked a representative about creating an account with the name “Lipshitz,” I was told the system would block it. “I am sorry, the same with other providers, username (sic) with profanity words are not allowed by the server,” a representative informed me.

As for Gmail, a spokesperson responded by sending me two basic excerpts from the service’s online FAQ — one explaining that a username may be unavailable to “prevent spam or abuse,” and another explaining why all usernames must contain at least six letters. When I tried to request specifics and ask about the best courses of action for those with blocked names, the spokesperson stopped responding to my calls and e-mails.

(AT&T, by the way, did not respond to multiple requests for information. I attempted to logon to its online chat interface as a customer, but its representatives told me I would have to complete the signup process before I could see if any specific username would be accepted.)

For what it’s worth, the Webmail providers are split when it comes to blocking George Carlin’s infamous “seven dirty words.” We’ve already covered the one most familiar to Dr. Libshitz. Four of the other entries — the two most obviously vulgar four-letter words and the two multisyllable selections — are banned at AOL Mail, Google, Hotmail, and Yahoo. The two remaining words on Carlin’s list, curiously enough, are permitted at all four Webmail providers.

Your Name, Not Your Right

So where does all of this leave the Libshitzes, Lipshitzes, and Cockburns of the world? Nine times out of 10, they may just be out of luck.

“As a basic tenet of American law, you do not necessarily have a right to use your name,” explains Theodore Claypoole, an attorney specializing in intellectual property and consumer data treatment with Womble, Carlyle, Sandridge, and Rice.

Claypoole likens the situation to vanity license plates. States have certain restrictions on what words can and cannot be used. E-mail, he says, is no different.

“You may have a right to use your name to describe you. You do not have the right to use your name on anything that you do,” he says.

For Herman Libshitz, the issue is less about legality and more about moral standards — standards he believes are being upheld inconsistently.

“I think it’s hypocrisy that they’re ‘saving us from profanity’ by not letting people use their surnames,” he says. “I mean, these are the same providers that permit all sorts of pornography to go over their lines. If that’s not hypocrisy, I don’t know what is.”

For now, it seems, there is no simple answer. Libshitz managed to solve his own personal struggle, but his victory hasn’t reached far. Future generations are bound to face similar burdens, fighting obscenity filters and working to justify a single syllable — working, one might say, to avoid becoming virtual citizens of an unassuming little town in North Lincolnshire.

I know things about my lawyer I absolutely should not know. He’s 55 years old, likes listening to Creed, and screams like a little girl when riding rollercoasters. He also relaxes with new age spa treatments and is thinking about getting an electronic nose hair trimmer. And that’s just the start.

Now, let me be clear: I’ve never spent a single moment outside of the office with this guy (and, for what it’s worth, I’d just as soon not be privy to his personal grooming habits). I learned all these things by tracking his social footprint across the Web — and odds are, he has no idea he’s left such a vivid trail behind.

In our age of social sharing, we expect some of our thoughts to be public. But as we slowly put more and more of ourselves online, specialized search engines are making it easier than ever to pull all of the pieces into a highly detailed (and, some would say, slightly creepy) profile of our virtual lives. I’ll let you in on a little secret, too: It isn’t always a pretty picture. Just ask my lawyer.

The Depths of the Deep Web

You hear a lot of terms bounced around when you talk about this growing breed of stalker-friendly search engines. Some like to be called “social search” utilities, while others prefer the phrase “people search.” Many boast their ability to delve through the “deep Web” that even Google doesn’t touch.

“Even though most people think the size of the Web is basically the Google crawl index, there’s actually a lot of information that Google doesn’t crawl,” says Harrison Tang, founder and CEO of Spokeo — which, taking a goulash-like approach to its identification, describes itself as a “social people search engine” service.

Spokeo, like its competitors Pipl and CVGadget, is designed to let you dig up the dirt on friends, foes, or anyone in between. Spokeo goes a step further than many of the other services, though, by actually importing your entire address book.

Then, for a few bucks a month, it continually monitors your contacts and lets you know any time anyone’s done anything new, anywhere online. (The site’s home page even promises to help you “uncover personal photos, videos, and secrets,” including “juicy” and “mouth-watering news about friends and coworkers.”) While each individual bit of information may seem insignificant, the cumulative effect of seeing it all together in a neatly packaged portfolio is enough to give almost anyone pause.

“Aggregated identity is actually a new type of identity,” Tang says, theorizing why so many people seem to use the word “spooky” when describing his service. “A lot of people know that they have a public MySpace page, a lot of people know that they have a public Twitter album. But, when combined together, it’s not one plus one equals two — you actually create a new identity.”

Spokeo’s system uses your contacts’ e-mail addresses to track their activity on a few dozen services, ranging from basic blogs and social networks to a slew of photo and video sharing sites. That means the random photos of your kids you shared on Flickr two years ago (or perhaps those less innocent images from your spring break trip a decade earlier) will pop up right under your name, seconds after someone searches for you.

Less obvious sources such as Amazon Wish Lists, Pandora playlists, and movie rating sites fill in the colorful details you likely didn’t realize were out there at all — things like my lawyer’s affinity for new age jams and nasal maintenance. While I found Mr. Attorney’s age on an old MySpace profile and his rollercoaster customs on a personal YouTube video, it was Pandora that divulged both his cravings for Creed and his suggested usages for the “Spa Radio” station he had created. As for the nose hair trimmer, he can thank his Amazon Wish List for sending that shudder-inducing tidbit my way.

For Sale: Your Information

Other services are accessing that same data, then selling your information as a part of marketing research. One of the most visible such examples is Rapleaf, a company that describes its services as “data and people lookup.” Clients pay thousands of dollars to have detailed social profiles compiled from their own customer databases. As is the case with Spokeo, the information is all publicly available — Rapleaf just brings it all together.

“Things that people have posted are out there for anyone to come and see,” says Joel Jewitt, Rapleaf’s vice president of business development. “As long as you’re not going beyond that, that’s within the privacy norms today.”

Most of Rapleaf’s clients, Jewitt says, are simply trying to understand how to use social media more effectively for marketing. An auto manufacturer, for example, might want to know which car models its customers are checking out and discussing on social Internet services. Rapleaf would use the company’s list of customer e-mail addresses to crawl the Web and track down the info, person by person.

“It’s pretty standard Web spidering,” Jewitt says. “We recreate in an automatic way what someone from the general public would be able to do if they were looking.”

Electronic Exposure

Whether targeted at businesses or individuals, the services all have one thing in common: Unlike the public record-driven search tools of the past, this new wave of people tracking utilities builds a highly detailed dossier solely with information you published yourself — a distinction that often seems to create a certain sense of discomfort.

“What it does is make the ubiquity of the Internet and the sheer openness of the world tangible,” says Internet privacy expert Kevin B. McDonald, executive vice president of Alvaka Networks. “It makes the whole concept of the world-sharing of information and the ‘no walls’ approach that the Internet was designed for very real to people.”

That reality can be chilling in any number of circumstances: a curious client, a boss big on background checks, or an obsessive ex. A recent study found half of British Internet users admitted to using the Internet to stalk a former flame. Knowing how easily your every electronic move can be monitored, no doubt, adds a new dimension to the idea of fixation.

“It is a little ‘stalkery,’” says Marc Rotenberg, executive director of the Electronic Privacy Information Center. “If the information is distributed, that’s actually a form of privacy. When it’s gathered up in one place, it creates some new risks.”

Rotenberg also takes issue with the idea that a company could use your personal information to turn a profit. “The fact that someone’s made something public doesn’t mean that someone else can sell it,” he contends. “I would say even with affirmative consent, if there’s going to be a market for personal data, the user should get some percentage of whatever value the data has.”

Taking Control

The thing to remember, of course, is that these services aren’t doing anything illegal — the information they’re gathering is information anyone could find, provided they knew where to look and had the time to do it. Rather than ignoring the king-sized file that may have been collected on you, then, McDonald suggests you use it as a tool to understand and control your online identity.

“I’ve come to the point where rather than be driven by the Internet, I intend to drive it as much to the degree that I can,” he says.

One way you can get behind the wheel is by turning the tables and using these services to search for yourself. Spokeo lets you see a limited amount of data without subscribing, Pipl and CVGadget are totally free, and Rapleaf offers an open tool to manage your Internet footprint.

“You can come in and sign up and see all the things that we found about you,” says Rapleaf’s Joel Jewitt.

Once you know what kind of info’s out there, you can decide whether you want to remove it. If you do, here are some steps to consider:

1. Rapleaf offers the option to opt-out of its services.

By entering your e-mail address on this page, you can have your data permanently deleted from Rapleaf’s database. There’s no charge, and once you respond to Rapleaf’s confirmation message, your information won’t appear in the company’s reports ever again.

2. Many of the other services, Spokeo included, update their caches based on your external settings.

In contrast to Rapleaf’s opt-out method, Spokeo and many of the other services work the same way a standard search engine does: If the content disappears from the Web, it also disappears from the search results. That means you need to visit the individual sites connected to your e-mail address and adjust the privacy settings within each one. In the case of Spokeo, the info will stop showing up in searches within about a week once you do that.

3. Most sites do give you an option to make your data private. It just might not be obvious.

You’ll usually need to go within the individual sites’ account configuration pages, then look for the privacy options to adjust for your comfort level. Some places to start:

• Amazon: Wish Lists are made public by default. To change that, go to this page and select the option to sign in. You can then view any Wish Lists associated with your account and designate them as private.

• Facebook: Once signed in, look under the “Settings” tab at the top of the page to find the privacy control panel. Click the “Profile” option to set parameters for who can view your content.

• MySpace: Click the “My Account” button at the top of the page after logging in, then click on “Privacy” to adjust your settings. Bear in mind that your age and location are typically displayed publicly even if your profile is set as private, as was the case with my lawyer.

• Pandora: Your playlists are public unless you specify otherwise. Once logged in, click on “Account” at the top of the page, then follow the option to edit your profile info. From there, you’ll see a checkbox you can select to make your profile (and thus your playlists) private.

These are just the steps for a few of the sites we’ve mentioned in this story. The important thing, should you decide to rethink your level of privacy, is to start by searching so you’ll know which sites you need to reconfigure. In the end, the power is ultimately in your hands — you just have to switch off the autopilot and take control.

“All you can do is learn to live with it,” McDonald says. “That’s the confine of the world that we live in.”

Hello, this story is being written by a fish.

All right, you got me — I made that up. Technology hasn’t quite reached the point of letting our water-bound buddies communicate deep thoughts into Microsoft Office just yet. (And, let’s be honest, they probably wouldn’t have much interesting to say. Gurgle gurgle, maybe?)

Still, tech’s come a long way in the past decade, and humans aren’t the only ones reaping the rewards. Gadget-makers are slowly but surely developing more and more tech-tinged tools for the animals in our lives. Some are pretty impressive — an intelligent car temperature monitor for dogs, for example — while others are a bit more baffling (see: paw-powered hamster-mobile, below).

But hey, who am I to judge? Click through and decide for yourself. And if you end up getting that wacky hamster ride, for the love of Bullwinkle, post a photo.

1. Bowlingual Dog Translator

Give the Dog Whisperer a run for his money with the Bowlingual Dog Translator by Takara Tomy. The Bowlingual supposedly translates your dog’s barks and yelps into understandable English. It uses a wireless microphone attached to your pet’s collar to pick up the sounds. It then transmits the barks back to the main unit, where they’re interpreted in real-time.

So what kind of translations can you expect? Let’s just say if Fido’s spouting off Shakespeare, you’re going to be out of luck. The Bowlingual identifies six basic emotional states: happy, sad, frustrated, on-guard, assertive, and needy.

“Annoyed that you dropped two-hundred bucks on this thing instead of a new chew toy,” unfortunately, is not an option.

• Price: $225

• Available: JapanGadgetShop.com

2. ChatterBowl Talking Pet Feeder

Want to leave your pet with the sound of your voice when you’re away from home? Check out the ChatterBowl Talking Pet Feeder, made by Contech. The ChatterBowl records up to 10 seconds of sound, then plays the clip back every time an animal comes to eat or drink.

The gadget uses a light sensor to know when a pet is approaching — so, yes, it could conceivably work with an annoying little brother, too.

• Price: $23.14

• Available: Amazon.com

3. Riddex Pet Collar

Voice recording takes a different twist with the Riddex Pet Collar. The collar’s command center can hold a custom audio message, making it easy for you to leave an emotional plea in case your dog’s ever found far from home. (Plus, there’s nothing stopping you from recording the message in the voice of Rowlf the Muppet. Just sayin’.)

The Riddex Pet Collar also sends out ultrasonic pulses to help eliminate pesky fleas.

• Price: $16.99

• Available: Amazon.com

4. JooZoo MP3 Player

Sorry, pal, but your iPod is old news. In the canine community, the JooZoo is the hot new way to listen to trendy tunes. For the low, low price of $2,000, your pooch can sport the 18-carat-gold- and diamond-encrusted device and become the envy of dogs everywhere. The JooZoo features a remote control and built-in speaker, meaning Mr. Doggie can finally wail out with his tail out wherever he goes.

Just be sure to also pick up the latest Caninus album to complete the gift.

• Price: $1,500 – $2,000

• Available: Only in Korea so far

5. HotDog

No, it isn’t a frankfurter: The HotDog is a high-tech device that monitors the temperature in your car. The goal, of course, is to make sure an animal inside doesn’t overheat. If the car gets too warm, the HotDog automatically lowers your windows, activates your car horn or lights, and sounds an alert on a remote pager up to a mile away.

Let’s just hope the alert doesn’t require a Bowlingual to translate.

• Price: $435.31

• Available: CriminalisticsInc.com

6. PetsCell

For animal lovers who really like to keep in touch with their companions, the PetsCell promises a whole new level of communication. Described as the first voice-enabled waterproof GPS cell phone for pets (that’s a mouthful!), the PetsCell lets you actually call your animal to check in from anywhere. And, thanks to the integrated GPS technology, you can track their exact location at any time, too.

The one problem: It isn’t available anywhere yet. The PetsCell Web site lists a mid-2008 date for retail sale, and the developers don’t seem to answer e-mails — so who knows if and when this thing will actually hit the market.

• Price: Not yet announced

• Available: Maybe one day

7. Tattle Tale Vibration Pet Trainer

Pets just love climbing up on forbidden surfaces, don’t they? The Tattle Tale Vibration Pet Trainer aims to make that habit a thing of the past. The Tattle Tale sits on any surface — a couch, a counter, even the hood of a car — and detects vibrations. Even the faintest little footsteps will set off its alarm, scaring the animal away and training it to keep its paws elsewhere.

The Tattle Tale can be hung from walls as well, so if scratching’s your problem, it has you covered.

• Price: $19.95

• Available: PetGadgets.com

8. Critter Cruiser

Taking the honors for oddest pet gadget of the bunch is the Critter Cruiser, a Flintstones-style vehicle for hamsters, gerbils, and mice. Yes, really.

The paw-powered Critter Cruiser lets a rodent ride around the house in style. A wheel-like contraption controls the car, while the animal’s own energy provides the fuel. Its makers claim the gizmo is great for exercise and entertainment, though it’s hard to gauge whether the entertainment is actually designed for the pets or for you.

The Critter Cruiser can be switched into to stationary mode for the less adventurous. There’s also a companion “Hamtrack Racetrack” kit available, if you really want to frighten your friends and neighbors.

• Price: $32.15

• Available: Firebox.com

9. Fetch-a-Bubble Machine

Who could resist the smell of free-floating chicken-scented bubbles? Certainly not me. The Fetch-a-Bubble Machine, made by Gazillion, sends a steady stream of poultry-tinged bubbles into the air for your pup’s chasing and popping pleasure.

As a bonus, if you ever run out of chicken stock for soup-making, you’ll always have a slightly soapy alternative available.

• Price: $17.95

• Available: ActiveDogToys.com

10. Bada Beam Rotating Laser Cat Toy

Your feline friend may not be into the bubble-chasing, but the Bada Beam could be right up her alley. You simply set the Bada Beam on any surface, and it displays constantly moving laser lines all over your floors and walls. It’s endless entertainment for practically any cat.

Throw some Pink Floyd on the stereo, and you may just be able to mesmerize your teenager, too.

• Price: $11.83

• Available: PetGadgets.com

11. Dog Walker Treadmill

File this one under: “Um, really?” The Dog Walker Treadmill, by Belluna, is built for puppies looking for an indoor workout. The remote-controlled apparatus lets dogs run as fast as 3.1 miles an hour without actually moving so much as an inch. It has side shields and a safety leash to keep the little guys safe during their jog-time.

Just think: It’d go perfectly in your basement next to that regular treadmill you never use.

• Price: $131

• Available: Only in Japan so far

12. Fauna Sauna Heated Spa Bed

After a long run on the treadmill, what better way to reward your pet than with a nice afternoon at the spa? Okay, it’s not a full-fledged spa, but it’s something.

The Fauna Sauna Heated Spa Bed is described as the first “radiant-heat-enhanced fine furniture” designed for both dogs and cats. It’s said to reduce stress and anxiety, help with pain and stiffness, and increase overall health and comfort.

Hell, knock the price down a few hundred bucks, and I might just buy one of these bad boys for myself.

• Price: $695 – $850

• Available: FaunaSauna.com

13. Stink Free Stink-Finder Ultraviolet Light

Let’s face it: Picking up after a pet stinks. Even worse is trying to track down the source of a mysterious offending odor in your home. That’s where the Stink-Finder comes in: Its ultraviolet light is built to identify areas of the carpet or couch that have been flagged by an unfortunate accident.

The cleanup, unfortunately, is still up to you.

• Price: $21.99

• Available: PetCo.com

14. Fish ‘n Flush

Hang on — it’s not what you think. The Fish ‘n Flush aquarium is a full-functioning, non-sewer-connected fishtank that just happens to reside within your toilet. Call it crazy, but you never know: Beautiful creatures swimming around the john might really help spruce the place up.

Once installed, Fish ‘n Flush’s 2.2-gallon tank wraps around an inner toilet tank that handles all the dirty work. It comes with a dual-filter system, a fill-valve, and even some plastic plants.

Quizzical glares from house guests are also included, no extra charge.

• Price: $199 – $224

• Available: FishNFlush.com

15. Drink No More

When keeping pets out of the bathroom is what you need, the Drink No More toilet protector may be just the gadget for you. Drink No More attaches to the underside of your toilet lid. Anytime a creature approaches with the lid up, it’ll sound a loud and annoying series of beeps.

Wait a minute…is this thing designed for pets or for men?

• Price: $24.95

• Available: Solutions.com

Ladies, consider this your warning: Google is emotionally immature.

The world’s favorite search engine, it seems, isn’t exactly relationship material. That’s what the author of a new book says, anyway.

Ken Auletta, New Yorker columnist and author of Googled: The End of the World as We Know It, says the search engine “lacks emotional intelligence.” And, as most of us guys have been told, that’s something the fairer sex tends to frown upon.

We got to thinking, and we realized Google has plenty of other problems in the metaphorical realm of relationships. Sure, it may be able to find your G-spot — but in the long run, it’ll leave you hurt and unsatisfied.

Here are seven reasons why Google would make an absolutely awful boyfriend.

1. It’s constantly trying to get in other people’s pants.

With all the women carrying around Android devices these days, Google’s phones are cozying up to countless coozies. You can forget about monogamy.

2. Some days, it can’t even get it up.

How many times have you been left disappointed by Gmail being down? And remember, there’s no phone number you can call to get answers — even when Google goes flaccid, it never offers oral service.

3. It may have a big index, but it doesn’t always know how to use it.

We fellas may be obsessed with the size of our prize, but a big bishop isn’t always enough. Google’s got the girth, all right — its index is estimated to be in the tens of billions of sites — but half the time, you still can’t get what you need from it.

4. It doesn’t even use protection.

When you’re with Google, you always have to make sure you’re sporting your own protection. Otherwise, you never know what kind of virus you could end up contracting.

5. It only wants one thing.

Once Google’s seen your “information,” it’ll move on to its next conquest. If you think you’re going to experience the high of the courtship again, sister, you’re in for a rude awakening.

6. Even when things go well, it’s over really fast.

Let’s face it, Google’s services are famous for finishing the job in fractions of a second. Even the world’s worst minute-men can outlast that.

7. It’s obsessed with balls and manholes.

How else do you explain #8 and #12 in this list of Google interview questions?

(Disturbingly homoerotic Google-man image courtesy insoonia.com)